Balancing my problems with my privilege
It's been a point of contention in my mind for a while now (8)
If anyone’s curious, I’m procrastinating my homework.
Anyway, if you know me (which you all do), you probably know this is a bit of a rough stretch for me. I don’t want to get into the details of the root cause for the sake of privacy for those involved (and my own—it is a public blog), but if you know, you know.
I want to first apologize for any wrongdoings I have made or may make throughout this rough patch because I know I’m a bit all over the place emotionally. Hopefully if there’s anything major, it has/will be addressed directly and privately, but this is more of a blanket apology for my general instability. That’s my preface for this one (and also a warning of the theme of this piece).
What makes a problem important?
I think everyone has heard the quip “there are starving kids in Africa, you know” when throwing out uneaten food. Well, actually, maybe not—who am I to assume privilege of food—but basically the point is that you’re being wasteful by throwing out food because other people don’t even have food (which is obviously an oversimplification, but that’s not the point).
This logic is kind of similar to what I feel whenever I have a problem of my own. Let’s say, for the sake of the argument (and only for the sake of it—no connection to my real life!), I’m in the midst of a breaking that’s really eating at me. Obviously, as most people do, I feel like things are terrible and my life is bad in the current moment. However, I very quickly come to think of all of the privilege that I hold: white, straight, male, no financial worry. None of that privilege comes from my own work (obviously) and my life is, by default, a lot easier than a lot of other people’s. So, even going through this (hypothetical) breakup, my life is very, very comfortable with all things considered.
Knowing this, is it even fair for me to feel bad about this (hypothetical) breakup? Am I wrong for letting this eat away at me, for sulking about it, for feeling like things are bad right now? Logically, yes, it’s fair and everyone has problems even if they are of different magnitudes. Of course, some problems in life are bigger than others, but that doesn’t invalidate the lesser problems (lesser, in this case, meaning purely of emotional weight as opposed to physical or financial). For my hypothetical (!), I am still experiencing that breakup. It is still a hardship, even if some people have it worse. I know that. So it should be okay to feel these emotions.
Yet, I feel this overwhelming guilt about feeling these things. Shouldn’t I be grateful that these are the problems I have to deal with as opposed to living in poverty or hiding my true identity? Am I being ignorant of the more pressing matters in society by letting my feelings get to me? Again, logically, no—but logic isn’t king in my mind right now.
That just sounded like complaining
Sorry. It’s because it probably was.
I don’t just feel this way in this isolated hypothetical, though. It extends to everything: should I even be allowed to openly advocate for issues I haven’t experienced myself? Would the people who suffer through these issues want me to do that? I know that a lot of the time, you can never truly understand the weight of suffering unless you have been through said suffering. So, would it be offensive for me to advocate for issues which I don’t intrinsically “understand” by nature of not having lived through them? I have no idea.
Hell, isn’t being able to sit here and talk about my privilege, in itself, privileged? This could go on forever.
Logically, I think I know the answer: it’s okay to feel feelings or to advocate for things as long as you are aware of the privilege you possess (and, if appropriate, take advantage of the privilege to advocate for what you’re passionate about). Like I said, though, logic isn’t king in my mind right now. I could repeat my answer all day and still feel that guilt.
Don’t worry, guys, it’s over. I’m done complaining about my conscience for now (hopefully for a long time). If anyone is worried, I’m okay and honestly pretty stable right now. This is just something I’ve thought about a lot over the past, well, conscious lifetime and I wanted to get it out (even though I know this, ironically, makes me sound even more privileged. Where do you draw the line?).
Thanks for reading. I still have a lot of politics to write about.
Probably gonna steal stuff from The Big B here, but
Don't worry, I've gone through the EXACT same thought process. Back in the hell of the aquatic you-know-what, I ruminated on even if I could feel bad about my circumstances when others were so, so much worse. But the problem is, who am I helping by not feeling bad about it? Like Big B said, "There is no harm in feeling those emotions". The important part here, though, is not to wallow in self-pity, and from what I've seen, you aren't. Doing this stuff more, improving yourself, all the best ways to handle the hypothetical situation, that is hypothetical. And moderating these thoughts can be another part of this improvement. I'm sure you've heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I feel like tenets of that could help with it here. By just continuing to point out the fallacies in your thinking, eventually, it'll get worn down. Like anything worth doing, it requires consistent time and effort. But it is worth it.
Though, if I told this to myself back then, I probably wouldn't listen to it, so... but hey, maybe framed as advice from a trusted (and extraordinarily handsome) friend, it can work.
hey, i just wanted to add that the fact you’re feeling this way shows you are empathy and thoughtful —that you care about the struggles of others and don’t want to minimize them. :p
i feel like (you can totally disagree) that guilt can stem from taking up emotional space that could be reserved for people with bigger problems; but, emotions aren’t a finite resource and there’s enough sadness to go around! hypothetically, just because someones facing a tougher situation doesn’t mean yours is diminished. realistically though, that guilt still lingers especially as we become more educated about how life chances practically determine our societal hierarchy. personally, i find it valuable to try to channel that guilt into gratefulness and action around us, but its important to permit ourselves to feel. they’re a reminder that we’re alive and that we care! it’s kinda beautiful.
anyways, sorry for that tangent and great post :)